Rachel The Sledder

Since I'm now in the business of posting pictures regardless of age or relevance, here is an animation of my wife sledding the backyard during our last trip to Vail.

Its all fun and games until you zoom in and realize she hates me.

For those interested in watching things get dramatically worse, turn up your speakers and enjoy. 

The Most Excited Person in the Crowd

Rachel's dad has pretty sweet tickets to the Astros and more often than not, if you check the film afterwards, you can catch a glimpse of yourself on television.  These one year old screen grabs from MLB.com are still my favorite.

The cameraman came for the girl in yellow . . .

but stayed for the guy staring down her shirt.

The Astros would go on to lose that game, most of their players, and nearly every game since but as optimists are want to do, I always find something to cheer about.    

Money Saving Tip For Cash Enthusiasts

Capital One has a policy where it reimburses all ATM fees regardless of how usurious those fees happen to be. 

This occasionally comes in very handy.

Without Further Ado, Your Cat Post

Kip is grey with yellow eyes.  When not sleeping he enjoys squirrels, boxes, and tonguing the vestiges of his former testicles.  

Aiz Gowna Bee Famus!

Since Rachel requested I increase this site’s feline content, the odds are high that I’ll walk in on her  showing our cat this post on her iPad while saying things like, “Look, Kippie, now you are online with all the other kitties!” Or the ever creepier, “I know! You always look so handsome!”

And then she will ask that I put up more cat pictures and I will do it.  Because I love her and she scares me. 

Roxanne Turns 22, We Celebrate Accordingly

Most people don’t have pictures from their first trip to a strip club. Whether thwarted by the no camera policies or just a general desire to forget, one typically expects to leave a titty bar picture-less and ashamed.

But not Roxanne!  Here she is with her friend, our waitress and a free slice of cake. It was a warm, breast-filled welcome into the classy world of adulthood.

An A For Effort: A Post About a Cieling Fan

I’m a horrible handyman and it took me four uncoordinated hours to assemble and install the beaut pictured below. The first hour was spent taking down a 35 year old contraption that leaked poop scented oil when grossly mishandled. The second hour was spent shoulder pressing the new fan in one hand while trying to connect wires with the other. The third hour was just a profanity laden chunk of my life that I’ll never get back. The grand and wonderful fourth was when I decided to abandon the flush mount in favor of the extension bar which solved all of my problems.   

 

Thirty minutes later, voila, a blackish brown fan that pleases my wife.

Continuing the Culinary Slide

Today at Churascos my wife ate a quarter pound of butter believing it to be whipped cream.  Her error went unnoticed until she started making others try what she described as, “the most delicious thing ever.”

Pregnancy is beautiful.  

Baby Pictures Round 3

Yesterday’s doctor appointment supplied us with this picture of Baby Swanburg.  At 13 weeks, the lime sized Buddha figurine has ten fingers, ten toes, and a clear appreciation for hammocks.

 

For my mother and others interested in such things, here is video / audio of the heartbeat.

Our Love of Novelty Restaurants Continues

Before getting pregnant my wife enjoyed fancy food served on fancy cloth covered tables.  She used Yelp to select restaurants and OpenTable to get reservations weeks in advance.  She would bitch if her amuse wasn’t bouchee enough and she would talk about tannins and pairings like they were her mouth's only friends.

Now she goes where her heart desires and last night, for her birthday, her heart desired this: 

Jose Ramirez was our chef / performer / Japanese culture guide for the evening.  The shrimp doesn’t land in his hat, Jose yells, “Japanese Mistake!”  His onion volcano starts blowing steam as he drags it across the grill on top of a zucchini, “Japanese Train!”  It all felt very racist but Rachel was too busy enjoying her fried rice and ice cream to notice or care.  She was content.

My Beautiful Bride Turns 25

You have been my entire world since you were 19 and this, your 25th birthday, is the last time I will have your undivided attention.  Since we will soon be sharing our home with a much smaller and cuter human, it is incredibly important that you read this post and understand that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You are smart, funny, witty, and gorgeous.  You are a talented cook, an incredible friend, the perfect wife, and undoubtedly a wonderful mother.  You are my life.

My only goal in this world is to make you feel special. On your birthdays and all of the days in between. That is why I’m including links to Jake McDonald’s video of the Goodnight Coffee being crafted at Rudi Lechner’s along with this lovely e-card I found on the Google.  The first is to compensate for the facts that you can't drink and I can't yodel.  The second is simply because I know how much you like professionally crafted greetings.
     

Forever Your Loving & Considerate Husband,

Jonathan

Accordion and Schnitzel: A Quasi Review of Rudi Lechner's

You want to watch a guy blow a 15 foot horn while you eat?  Of course you do. Fortunately there is a place for that. 

Horn in the front, accordion in the rear.

Jake McDonald invited us to Rudi Lechner’s for some Bavarian cuisine and it turned out to be the greatest place in the world.  They serve giant beers, great food, light things on fire, and constantly make you feel like you are listening to the cliffhanger game on The Price is Right. 

Zicke, Zacke

The Goodnight Coffee

For those interested in the thick ankled man with the Alphorn, he is drunk AND the lead singer of Alpenfest.  According to the Alpenfest website, “Alpenfest is not just another Oompah Band. Their sets include Alphorn, a tuned set of Austrian Cowbells, Holzanes G'Lächter (German Xylophone), tuned musical hand saws and yodeling.” 

If you need more cowbell in your life and can't make it to Rudi's on Wednesdays, Fridays or Saturdays, Alpenfest has two new albums available for purchase:  “Still Crazy” and “Gute Erinnerungen.”  My clients and loved ones will be getting both for Christmas.

And Now For A Post About Hot Dogs

After watching the wiener eating contest on television, my wife told me I was the kind of pussy that could only eat four hot dogs in ten minutes. “Four hot dogs, my ass” I said. “Bring me Nathan’s!”

 Like a proud parent that figured out how to get her anorexic child to eat, my wife happily did just that.

 

It was a clinic in masculinity.  First, I casually plowed through 6 processed-meat-sacks in 3 minutes.  THEN, as if to show my superiority over athletes that can only eat plain hot dogs, I added some kraut to the 7th, put on my gay face, and chewed like a furry faced Joey Chestnut

When that was done I pretended to be mad that there were no more hot dogs and left the table triumphantly.  I tasted nothing but victory.

You Want More Flagpole

In an effort to update this site with all things flag related, here is the pole as of July 5th. Vexillophiles will notice that the shaft is at a slightly lower angle than in previous flag updates thus allowing for a more casual flutter and greater legibility.

To my would-be masturbators that found this site by Googling the term "flagpole porn" . . . Welcome. 

Happy Independence Day

4th of July gives me a tremendous opportunity to point out that I installed a flagpole outside our house.  Like other patriots with flags on flagpoles, I feel that it makes our house look uniquely American and exerts our home’s dominance over those without flags on flagpoles. 
  

Creating our own firework display would also be patriotic but I’m not an idiot that likes watching my cash explode before my eyes.  I’ll watch others explode their money and congratulate them by saying things like, “That only cost $1,200?  Totally worth it.” or “This sparkler is awesome.”

White Girl With Floppy Arm Dances Floppily

I read through the last post and realized I left something out.  Namely the krumping. 

According to Urban Dictionary, Krumping is “a positive outlet for anger, a way of spiritual dancing and praise, a popular and fast growing style of hip-hop dance.  It is free, expressive, and highly energetic.”

It is also a good way to let others know that you‘re a white person with enough wine and energy to do just about anything.  My favorite sister-in-law poetically proves this to us somewhere around the 26 second mark.