Liam's First Christmas Gift

If Liam is anything like his dad, one day he‘ll run out of his room -or simply send a futuristic tweet- explaining that he hates me because I don’t buy him things. “You’re a jerk”, he’ll say. “You’re not my dad”, he’ll say.

At that point I’ll forward my sweet child a link to this post, remind him of the time I bought him this awesome hat / sock combo and all will be forgiven.

“I was once that small?” he’ll say.  

“Yes you were.” I’ll say.

"Have I always been a Bear?" he'll say.

"Since before you were born." I'll say. 

Liam's Final Prebirthday Picture

Friday was the last sonogram. The baby is currently a hairy 6lbs 8ozs and looks to be an amorphous space cloud.

This is something. 

At the current stage babies grow at least a half pound a week.  If he makes it to January 21st, 4 weeks time, that would put him at 8lbs 8ozs.  The doctor thinks he may show up a little earlier.  Let’s hope he photographs better in color. 

In Case You Didn't Get a Christmas Card, This is What it Looked Like

The picture is from Thanksgiving. The message is from TinyPrints.com. If you were one of the lucky few to receive a hardcopy, you know the end product was less of a card and more of an awkwardly large, narcissistic billboard for your home.

Holiday Preparations

Despite having a Thanksgiving hangover and a Jewish sounding last name, I was able to successfully assemble our Christmas tree without incident.

This has been my most successful home improvement project to date. 

US Grand Prix in Pictures

My parents flew in for this weekend’s Formula 1 event in Austin.

Thursday night we went to the Gristmill and Gruene Hall

Friday morning we ran into Adam and Cash before the practice sessions.

Friday evening I treated everyone to Chicken Express

Saturday was qualifying.  In addition to F1 cars they had GT3 Porches . . .

and Ferraris driven by accident prone men of wealth.

 Rachel enjoyed the urinals

My dad enjoyed the turn 12

 And the sea of humanity enjoyed wrapping themselves in Mexican flags and European sized shirts.

In the end, Hamilton passed Vettel to win the race

 and we had a very nice time as a family.

The End. 

83 Days Until I Flood the Internet With Baby Pictures

Back when I started FamilyOfSwans I assumed we would be getting sonograms 4 times a week and I would be updating this blog all the time with interesting things related to my wife being pregnant or me being awesome. 

None of that was true.

We haven’t seen the baby in a few months, my wife isn’t that interesting, and I’m in no way awesome.  Over the last week:

We got our curb painted to match our flag.

Rachel got bigger.

And we hung this glowing skeleton by the door in preparation for Halloween. 

A single post seems like more than ample coverage of such events. 

Baby Update

According to a website that compares unborn children to vegetables, William Harrison Swanburg, aka Liam, is currently the size of a 15 inch, 2.2 pound cucumber.

Things That Have Occurred Since the Last Post

The cat climbed the fence and I broke a sprinkler trying to get it down. To fix the sprinkler I had to buy a nipple extractor. Not wanting to leave Lowes with just a nipple extractor, I picked up the tools necessary to fix a carpet and paint the baby’s room.  To feel a little manlier I bought a hacksaw.  

It has been a wild week.  

My Grandparents’ Final Resting Place

It was my grandparents’ last request that their ashes be mixed together and placed atop the Minaret Mountains. Sunday morning my uncle, father and I set out to fulfill that dream.

Here is a summary of the trip in pictures:

Uncle Jake picked us up on Sunday morning and did most of the driving

On the way up we stopped to feed the trout at the Mount Whitney fish hatchery. 

Trout hate ducks.

We stayed in Bishop the first night so my father and uncle could acclimate to the altitude

 

The next morning we did some hiking up to around 10,000 feet and found a place to mix the ashes.  Lake and tree vistas to one side . . .

the Minarets on the other.  It was perfect.

With our mission accomplished we went and toured other parts of Mammoth.

We stopped at the Devil's Postpile

and Lake George

Where we watched a bunch of people not catch fish

Then we checked into our cabin at the Tammarack Lodge.

Where we also had dinner

In the morning I woke up and took this picture of Twin Lakes

Then made the five minute drive back to Lake George.

We didn't have fishing poles or licenses so we paddled around for a few hours.

After paddling we went to Lake Convict for dinner.

The next morning we got back in the car and made the 6 hour drive back to LA

May they forever enjoy their view in peace.   

Former Roommate Gets Married, Praised

On Saturday I was in attendance as my former college roommate, Mike Thomas, married Kristen McManus, the girl he has been dating for over 9 years.  The event was held at his parents’ house on Sherwood Country Club and was an overall amazing time. 

From my family to yours, congratulations. May your marriage be as awesome as your wedding.      

Kitten Plays "Cat App" on iPad. Pageviews Ensue.

Yesterday I posted a video of my father-in-law shooting an AK-47.  Today I post a video of him playing computer games with a kitten.  

Iz would like this app better if it was a string.    

The internet is a complicated place. 

Supporting the Second Amendment

On Friday I spent the middle portion of my work day at Top Gun.  There would totally be pictures of me shooting firearms at a paper terrorists but alas, asking another man to take your picture while shooting a firearm is the least manly way to go about the business of shooting firearms.

So here are pictures and a video I secretly took of some other people enjoying themselves.

According to this guy, the practicality of a silencer on a machine gun cannot be overstated.  

Welcome Audrey Michelle Payne

I'm returning from my 8 day blogging hiatus to bring you some facts.  Tom and Shannon Payne had another kid, Audrey Michelle. The sister of Scarlett was born in the early morning hours of 9/17/2012, she was 6lbs 7ozs and proper baby length.

 

Despite being born 3 weeks before her due date . . . 

Audrey had a full set of reddish blonde hair and looks like a human.  Congrats. 

Rachel Loves Kittens, Deformed Babies

The fact felines tend to carry Toxoplasma parasites which cause birth defects in unborn children couldn't dissuade Rachel from volunteering us to watch Sparky the Miniature Cat while her parents were in NY. 

I'mz dreamin about watchin Mr. Jon clean my poopy

Totally worth the risk. 

It's a Mini Dong

Today the ultrasound tech officially declared our child a boy by slapping down two arrows on the screen and matter of factly explaining that baby penises look like little turtles.

She then handed us this abstract fromunda shot and left the room. 

Bill Payne: Bell Ringer

My father-in-law / boss and 50 of his closest friends at ARCT rang the NASDAQ opening bell this morning.  

I don't have a hi-res photo of the event so believe me when I tell you he is the guy next to the smoking hot blonde on the bottom left.

The Smell of Loneliness

Friday I got into the office and couldn’t escape the subtle smell of cat piss. Thinking it was somehow on my hands I went through about a half bottle of sanitizer. Thinking it was somehow on my collar, I went to the swag closet and changed shirts. Still cat piss. On the brink of losing my fucking mind, I went to the bathroom, took off my jeans and immediately realized they were coated in a dry layer of toxic tee-tee.

I sawz your pants on the dryer so I'z a made u a pee pee. 

The cat got me.  I put the piss pants back on, returned to my desk, and marinated for the remainder of the work day.

Google Continues to Ruin My Reminiscing

I played high school golf for 5 years and junior tournaments for at least 7.  So while Googling my swim records I typed in "Jon Swanburg Golf" with every intention of pleasuring myself to the results.  Disappointment quickly ensued.

• State Championship 2001: 90 - 79
• State Championship 2002: 85 - 78
• Long Island Championship 2002: Score not mentioned in the article but I wore terrible pants. (pictured here)
• AJGA event at Hagerstown: 85-89
• AJGA event in Hartford: 88.
• Random 9 hole match: 36 . . . which was cool until it says it was a par 33.

How did I qualify for theses events?  Was I ever competitive? Did I own any nice pants?  My descendents will never know. 

The Last Vestiges of a Better Time

Over dinner I was telling someone that I was a great 8-and-under swimmer and had all sorts of records to prove it.  Apparently all sorts is now just two thanks to a young go-hard named Tristan Morlock.

Such is life.  All great things done while wearing a child-size banana hammock must come to an end.

Drunk Touristing

Back in my law school days I would read about the 5th Circuit and think, “that’s an important place that decides important things. Maybe I‘ll be there one day.”

Turns out dreams do come true.  According to my phone, around 11PM on the night of our fantasy football draft I took this picture of Wallace, Zach, and my knee while lying on the sidewalk outside one of the most distinguished buildings in the country.  They wouldn't let us inside.     

Fighting Cancer With Golf & Hangovers

Yesterday was the Mike Rover Benefit Tournament.  Phil, Wallace, Ivy, and I teed off at 8AM with hopes of being competitive.  Then we started drinking.  Beers weren’t bringing us birdies so we took some tequila shots.  The balls kept flying towards the woods so we switched to Jack Daniels.  A mere three under through 11 the group behind us offered up their bottle of Jameson.  We cannonballed it. 

By hole 12 one of my playing partners lost the ability to speak.  On hole 15 he fell out of a parked golf cart and cut his chin on the path.  On hole 17 he whiffed a 6 foot putt.  Literally lined it up, took a practice stroke, addressed the shot, and missed the ball entirely.

By the 18th it had become clear that we’d overshot that inebriated / athletic sweet spot we were looking for.  We finished 5 under and 8 shots off the lead.

Moving Picture Show

There is a lot to love about Rudi Lechner's.

Talking wieners and amorous sausage plates just happen to be the two best suited for Cinemagram.