Google Continues to Ruin My Reminiscing

I played high school golf for 5 years and junior tournaments for at least 7.  So while Googling my swim records I typed in "Jon Swanburg Golf" with every intention of pleasuring myself to the results.  Disappointment quickly ensued.

• State Championship 2001: 90 - 79
• State Championship 2002: 85 - 78
• Long Island Championship 2002: Score not mentioned in the article but I wore terrible pants. (pictured here)
• AJGA event at Hagerstown: 85-89
• AJGA event in Hartford: 88.
• Random 9 hole match: 36 . . . which was cool until it says it was a par 33.

How did I qualify for theses events?  Was I ever competitive? Did I own any nice pants?  My descendents will never know. 

The Last Vestiges of a Better Time

Over dinner I was telling someone that I was a great 8-and-under swimmer and had all sorts of records to prove it.  Apparently all sorts is now just two thanks to a young go-hard named Tristan Morlock.

Such is life.  All great things done while wearing a child-size banana hammock must come to an end.

Drunk Touristing

Back in my law school days I would read about the 5th Circuit and think, “that’s an important place that decides important things. Maybe I‘ll be there one day.”

Turns out dreams do come true.  According to my phone, around 11PM on the night of our fantasy football draft I took this picture of Wallace, Zach, and my knee while lying on the sidewalk outside one of the most distinguished buildings in the country.  They wouldn't let us inside.     

Fighting Cancer With Golf & Hangovers

Yesterday was the Mike Rover Benefit Tournament.  Phil, Wallace, Ivy, and I teed off at 8AM with hopes of being competitive.  Then we started drinking.  Beers weren’t bringing us birdies so we took some tequila shots.  The balls kept flying towards the woods so we switched to Jack Daniels.  A mere three under through 11 the group behind us offered up their bottle of Jameson.  We cannonballed it. 

By hole 12 one of my playing partners lost the ability to speak.  On hole 15 he fell out of a parked golf cart and cut his chin on the path.  On hole 17 he whiffed a 6 foot putt.  Literally lined it up, took a practice stroke, addressed the shot, and missed the ball entirely.

By the 18th it had become clear that we’d overshot that inebriated / athletic sweet spot we were looking for.  We finished 5 under and 8 shots off the lead.

Moving Picture Show

There is a lot to love about Rudi Lechner's.

Talking wieners and amorous sausage plates just happen to be the two best suited for Cinemagram. 

I Interacted With My Creation

Yesterday I felt the baby kick.  It wasn’t a much of a kick and it wasn’t something I expect anyone else to care about but it was amazing in that, "it's actually in there" sort of way.  

Baby Scarlett - Living the Dream

Hold on.  I'll smile when I'm done shitting in the pool.

Since this is a family blog and my wife likes pictures of babies, here is Scarlett Marie Payne.  Above she is entering the water for the first time flanked by her grandfather and aunt. Below she is at a professional photo shoot getting groped like a hand puppet.  The pictures are fuzzy and low-res as illegal screen grabs tend to be.  

Jingle those keys, monkey boy. 

I think I see Jesus.

And just like that young Scarlett has a place on the internet.  Just one click away from her grandfather's Wikipedia page and a short scroll from a post about mustache wax.

The Mustache Lifestyle

The other day a friend sent out the message:

"You are not a man unless you own this product."

While probably true, the reply from one of the fellow recipients was beautiful, perfect, and deserving of its own blog post.  So here it is:

I enjoy the user comments:

"This works well for me. I use it for my mustache and it usually needs to be applied twice a day depending on my activity. It does what I want and is easy to use."

 I am interested in what sort of "activity" this gent and his mustache are participating in. I will assume his calendar of daily activities reads as follows on a usual two application day:

• Wake up
• Pleasure my wife's extremely hairy vagina
• Apply talcum powder to balls and Clubman to mustache
• Don wool pinstripe double breasted suit
• Ride bike with one ridiculously large wheel in front and a small wheel in back to the office
• Do deals at office
• Gym at lunch where I have a quick workout consisting of a two round bout with a kangaroo in the boxing ring and a five minute heave ho with the medicine ball
• Reapply talcum powder to balls and Clubman to mustache
• Do deals at office
• Four glasses of cutty sark when get home from office
• Please wife's extremely hairy vagina
• Go to bed

If anyone from the email chain wants credit feel free to let me know. I'm more than happy to give credit where credit is due.  Especially since copying your work is easier than creating my own.

Probably a Boy

Today our baby doctor looked at the above image and gave that little nub an 85% chance of being a penis.  More accurate and vivid sex organ pictures to come in the weeks and months to follow but for now we are more than happy to assume our trained prognosticator knows a blurry dong when she sees one.

2012 Fantasy Football Draft

This weekend I was in the lawless city of New Orleans for our league’s annual draft party.

Three league members have a pregnant wife, two already own a child, all eleven besides me are practicing attorneys, and at least one plans on running for political office.  It’s therefore with tremendous discretion that I simply say it was a gentlemanly time, include an artful image in lieu of a cellphone pic, and return to writing about cats.   

Rachel The Sledder

Since I'm now in the business of posting pictures regardless of age or relevance, here is an animation of my wife sledding the backyard during our last trip to Vail.

Its all fun and games until you zoom in and realize she hates me.

For those interested in watching things get dramatically worse, turn up your speakers and enjoy. 

The Most Excited Person in the Crowd

Rachel's dad has pretty sweet tickets to the Astros and more often than not, if you check the film afterwards, you can catch a glimpse of yourself on television.  These one year old screen grabs from MLB.com are still my favorite.

The cameraman came for the girl in yellow . . .

but stayed for the guy staring down her shirt.

The Astros would go on to lose that game, most of their players, and nearly every game since but as optimists are want to do, I always find something to cheer about.    

Money Saving Tip For Cash Enthusiasts

Capital One has a policy where it reimburses all ATM fees regardless of how usurious those fees happen to be. 

This occasionally comes in very handy.

Without Further Ado, Your Cat Post

Kip is grey with yellow eyes.  When not sleeping he enjoys squirrels, boxes, and tonguing the vestiges of his former testicles.  

Aiz Gowna Bee Famus!

Since Rachel requested I increase this site’s feline content, the odds are high that I’ll walk in on her  showing our cat this post on her iPad while saying things like, “Look, Kippie, now you are online with all the other kitties!” Or the ever creepier, “I know! You always look so handsome!”

And then she will ask that I put up more cat pictures and I will do it.  Because I love her and she scares me. 

Roxanne Turns 22, We Celebrate Accordingly

Most people don’t have pictures from their first trip to a strip club. Whether thwarted by the no camera policies or just a general desire to forget, one typically expects to leave a titty bar picture-less and ashamed.

But not Roxanne!  Here she is with her friend, our waitress and a free slice of cake. It was a warm, breast-filled welcome into the classy world of adulthood.

An A For Effort: A Post About a Cieling Fan

I’m a horrible handyman and it took me four uncoordinated hours to assemble and install the beaut pictured below. The first hour was spent taking down a 35 year old contraption that leaked poop scented oil when grossly mishandled. The second hour was spent shoulder pressing the new fan in one hand while trying to connect wires with the other. The third hour was just a profanity laden chunk of my life that I’ll never get back. The grand and wonderful fourth was when I decided to abandon the flush mount in favor of the extension bar which solved all of my problems.   

 

Thirty minutes later, voila, a blackish brown fan that pleases my wife.

Continuing the Culinary Slide

Today at Churascos my wife ate a quarter pound of butter believing it to be whipped cream.  Her error went unnoticed until she started making others try what she described as, “the most delicious thing ever.”

Pregnancy is beautiful.  

Baby Pictures Round 3

Yesterday’s doctor appointment supplied us with this picture of Baby Swanburg.  At 13 weeks, the lime sized Buddha figurine has ten fingers, ten toes, and a clear appreciation for hammocks.

 

For my mother and others interested in such things, here is video / audio of the heartbeat.

Our Love of Novelty Restaurants Continues

Before getting pregnant my wife enjoyed fancy food served on fancy cloth covered tables.  She used Yelp to select restaurants and OpenTable to get reservations weeks in advance.  She would bitch if her amuse wasn’t bouchee enough and she would talk about tannins and pairings like they were her mouth's only friends.

Now she goes where her heart desires and last night, for her birthday, her heart desired this: 

Jose Ramirez was our chef / performer / Japanese culture guide for the evening.  The shrimp doesn’t land in his hat, Jose yells, “Japanese Mistake!”  His onion volcano starts blowing steam as he drags it across the grill on top of a zucchini, “Japanese Train!”  It all felt very racist but Rachel was too busy enjoying her fried rice and ice cream to notice or care.  She was content.

My Beautiful Bride Turns 25

You have been my entire world since you were 19 and this, your 25th birthday, is the last time I will have your undivided attention.  Since we will soon be sharing our home with a much smaller and cuter human, it is incredibly important that you read this post and understand that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You are smart, funny, witty, and gorgeous.  You are a talented cook, an incredible friend, the perfect wife, and undoubtedly a wonderful mother.  You are my life.

My only goal in this world is to make you feel special. On your birthdays and all of the days in between. That is why I’m including links to Jake McDonald’s video of the Goodnight Coffee being crafted at Rudi Lechner’s along with this lovely e-card I found on the Google.  The first is to compensate for the facts that you can't drink and I can't yodel.  The second is simply because I know how much you like professionally crafted greetings.
     

Forever Your Loving & Considerate Husband,

Jonathan